Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
