Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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