I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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