It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
