i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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