I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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