so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
