my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
