i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
