I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
