Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
