Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
