You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
