Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
