his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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