Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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