Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
