he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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