How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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