I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
