i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I feel like death gave me a hand job
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
