I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
