Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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