My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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