so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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