And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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