im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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