i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
