he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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