She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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