i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
