Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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