You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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