omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
