Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Acid is not a monday night drug
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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