please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
