why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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