A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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