ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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