Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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