i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
