Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
