You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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