shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
