the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
