Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
