I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
