The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I need a burrito and a hug.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
