You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
