I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
