I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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