I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
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