i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
